Pharaoh Hotep vs. Book of Monsters vs. Librarian vs. Cyberman

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Silly rabbit, battles are for kids... or are they?

Season 3, Round 1, Battle 19 (105th battle overall)

Written by Nexobyte on November 13, 2016

The Announcer Blacktron Spaceman

The Referee A certain 1980-something spaceman

The Predictor Ogel

The Red Corner Pharaoh Hotep I never thought I'd see the day that my dad would step into the- wait, that happened once before, but it doesn't count.

New Nominated by NexoByte

The Green Corner Book of Monsters The latest #1 LEGO City Times best-seller really feels alive. However, don't read it too closely.

New Nominated by NexoByte

The Yellow Corner Librarian She keeps a well-stocked larder containing every kind of title except for anything published in Knighton.

New Nominated by Punctuation Penguin

The Blue Corner Cyberman Any attempt to upgrade your body will result in your exchange of your free will for a metal body and the desire to physically "delete" anyone who doesn't join you.

New Nominated by Surtatb2007

Before the Battle

Amset-Ra is strutting down the hallway like a chicken. (Big deal. His Halloween chicken costume got stuck.) Suddenly, he hears Pharaoh Hotep singing in the shower.

Amset-Ra: Huh, that's not usually like him. Most of the time he goes to the Toxic Tank at Jokerland. Oh, now I know why he's so excited. He hasn't fought in well over a year! But he beat me in that match. Well, I'll be putting some distance between us just in case, which is why I'll be watching the match from Misfortune's Keep.

A few hours later...

Sqiffy: Yar! Welcome to Captain Nadakhan's ship, bucko!

Bucko: But I've been here for as long as anyone can remember.

Sqiffy: I ain't talkin' to you, Bucko. Captain Nadakhan and Flintlocke be trainin' fer their matches, and Clancee and Doubloon be beggin' fer food, so I be runnin' ths yar show today. Oh, and we became so poor, we sold Dogshank to the circus.

Amset-Ra: Wow, you talk more pirate-like than even your captain.

Sqiffy: That's 'cause I be a pirate longer than he.

Amset-Ra: Cool monkey you have there.

Sqiffy: That be Monkey Wretch. He be on a malfunctionin' spree lately.

Amset-Ra: So that's why he's breakdancing on the steering wheel.

Nadakhan: (from inside the cabin) Wait, he be WHAT?!

Flintlocke: He be steerin' us out of control!

Amset-Ra: Hopefully not toward my pyramid?

Sqiffy: Git real, matey. That thing be thousands of miles away.

Amset-Ra: Or right on top of us! That's comforting.

Cyren: What be happenin'?

Amset-Ra: Oh, just a crazed monkey's gonna make us crash. No pressure.

Suddenly Amset-Ra wakes up.

Amset-Ra: Whew, it was just a dream. But why must I wake up suddenly? Why not flamboyantly?

Priest of the Tee-Vee: Because it's now the property of "his truly."

Amset-Ra: Oh. Hey, what am I doing in this chicken costume? And why do our authors, especially this one, insert the Priest of the Tee-Vee in random spots? Oh, never mind those questions.

Amset-Ra struts down the hallway like a chicken. (Big deal. His Halloween chicken costume got stuck.) Suddenly, he hears Pharaoh Hotep singing in the shower.

Amset-Ra: Sigh... So he is fighting after all. Well, I'm off to see Nadakhan!

The Battle

Blacktron Spaceman: Hello, everyone, and welcome to Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid. Actually, it's not his any longer, since he unexpectedly joined the Sky Pirates today, which allowed for the BlackTron Federation to take over. I'm their spokesman, Richard, and I'll be announcing today.

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT IS BLACKTRON DOING HERE?! WHERE'S AMSET-RA WHEN WE NEED HIM?! I WANT MY MOMMY!

The Librarian flashes her cup in the direction of the audience, and they grow strangely silent.

Librarian: Huh. Was it something I showed them?

FLASHBACK!

The Librarian pastes an image of Lord Business beneath the "Shh!" on her cup and writes "Or else!" beneath the image.

END FLASHBACK!

Librarian: Nope, don't think so.

BlackTron Spaceman: Alright, let's get down to business. In the Red Corner, Pharaoh Hotep.

Pharaoh Hotep: Show some respect, spaceman! I'm the one who loaned my son the money to build this awesome place!

BlackTron Spaceman: O-kay...

Pharaoh Hotep: Hey, where's my Re-Gou Ruby? Surely they haven't breached the cloaking device around the Fighting Pyramid?

But the Adventurers are in the audience, and they don't look like they took anything.

Pharaoh Hotep: Oh yeah...

FLASHBACK!

Alien Queen: I had Spyrius hack into Lord Business' computers and delete it - then I travelled to the Adventurer's hotel and they gave me a map, which lead me to find the real Re-Gou Ruby, which I then extracted genetic material from. I then proceeded to implant myself with the DNA of the Re-Gou Ruby, and became the most powerful being to have ever lived!

Clutch Powers: I have got to try that!

Alien Queen: Sure, just inject yourself with this needle!

Queen Hypogirtis tosses a needle to Clutch Powers.

ZZZZZZZZNNNNNNNN!!

Jek-14: Haha!

Plunge!

Wyldstyle: In typical Jek-14 style, he stole the needle using his force lightning, and has now injected himself with this concoction!

Alien Queen: Fool.

Jek-14: Ugh... I don't feel so well...

Alien Queen: Of course you don't; only a Phoban can withstand the full power of the Re-Gou Ruby!

Clutch Powers: Well, that was close!

Jek-14: Well, I'll just clone myself, and then-

Count Dooku: No.

Collapse!

Wyldstyle: Jek-14 is eliminated.

END FLASHBACK!

Pharaoh Hotep: If I can't fight without my ruby, then I quit!

He leaves the room.

BlackTron Spaceman: Well that was unexpected! So let's move on. In the Green Corner, the Book of Monsters.

Book of Monsters: Bleheheheh! You will all bow to the wrath of my Page 35! Um, I mean, GET ME OFF OF THIS FILTHY GROUND! Whose blood am I lying on?

BlackTron Spaceman: Oh calm down. The Bookkeeper will be holding you the entire match. Oh, and that's melted energy crystal, by the way.

The Bookkeeper steps into the ring and picks up the Book of Monsters.

BlackTron Spaceman: Oh, by the way, what is on Page 35?

Book of Monsters: An order form for the Book of Terrible Abominations.

BlackTron Spaceman: I'll put that in my eBrick cart. In the Yellow Corner, Librarian.

Librarian: Oh dear, this book seems to be out of place. I'd best put it back on the shelf before its spine is damaged.

Book of Monsters: I'm one of the fighters, blockhead!

Librarian: Really? Well, I must admit, you do have an intriguing cover.

Book of Monsters: Well, that's very flattering.

BlackTron Spaceman: You two can date later. In the Blue Corner, Cyberman.

Cyberman: Threat of opponents: 29/100.

Book of Monsters: I don't think so.

BlackTron Spaceman: Before we sell you to the Insectoids, Ogel, we would love to hear you predict who won't get fed to Cedric the Bull.

Cedric the Bull: My people are starving. But they don't crave books. Or robots. Or flesh. Or ABS plastic. Maybe a nice, juicy Hot Dog Man instead?

Hot Dog Man: EEEEEEEK!

BlackTron Spaceman: And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen! I guess they satisfied themselves after all! Your wild guess, Ogel?

Ogel: Pharaoh Hotep will most likely come back and ruin everything, so I'll go with him.

BlackTron Spaceman: Well worded, Ogel.

Several BlackTron officers drag him off to Pharaoh Hotep's quarters.

BlackTron Spaceman: Phew! Now we can commence this battle in peace. Benny... er... start the match.

Benny: Fight fight FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BlackTron Spaceman: Remind me why we ever hired him...

On November 25.
Guy: These guys are nuts!
Embark on an epic journey.
Girl: Eeek!
Thump thump thump!
To save.
Guy: You're all going to come with me.
My dinner?
Guy: These guys are nuts! Again!
Oranges and Peaches. Rated PG-13. In theaters November 25.

Book of Monsters: And now, I shall open with a small army of Scurriers!

Poof poof poof poof poof!

Librarian: I always knew there was something special about you...

Cyberman: Threat of Scurriers: 12/100. Delete. Delete.

Zark! Zark!

Book of Monsters: The average hot weapons are heated to temperatures of 1000° F., which will intensify anything made of fire or lava. Epic fail for you! Hahahahahaha!

Cyberman: Error. Error. Error.

Book of Monsters: You betcha!

BlackTron Spaceman: Cyberman opened up by zapping the Scurriers that the Book of Monsters summoned, but only resulted in turning them into the more powerful black Scurriers.

Librarian: I'll let you boys duke it out while I read Everything is Awesome.

Book of Monsters: All right, dear. Summon!

Poof poof poof!

BlackTron Spaceman: Mmm... Didn't Ash Attacker already fight this season?

Book of Monsters: Yyyyeah, you're right...

Poof poof poof!

BlackTron Spaceman: And BoM has changed his Ash Attackers into Crust Smashers.

Cyberman: Threat of Crust Smashers = 5/100. Termination of opponents is imminent. Commencing flamethrower.

FWOOOOOOOOM!

Book of Monsters: Haven't you learned your lesson yet? Now you have to deal with three Burnzies!

Cyberman: Error. Error. Error.

Book of Monsters: Double you betcha!

The Burnzies beat Cyberman to a pulp.

Benny: Cyberman is eliminated eliminated ELIMINATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eglor: HowIenvyyouBenny.

BlackTron Spaceman: (Insert the statement three lines above this one here.) How will BoM safely dispose of his crush now?

The Book of Monsters opens up to Page 91, which is a heart. The Librarian is literally swept off her feet and out of the ring.

Benny: The Book Book BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!! of Monsters wins wins WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suddenly the door explodes open and, in slow motion, Pharaoh Hotep enters the room riding Ogel like a skateboard, all this while "Life is a Highway" plays. They land right on top of the Book of Monster's flattening him.

BlackTron Spaceman: What a entrance! And that concludes the match in Pharaoh Hotep's favor!

Pharaoh Hotep: That. Was. AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!! Let's do it again, Ogel!

Ogel: ...

After the Battle

Actually, during the battle!

Pharaoh Hotep is writing on his priority list.

Pharaoh Hotep: #3. Make Jek-14 pay for injecting the Re-Gou ruby into himself. #7. Make Queen Hypothermia pay for also injecting the Re-Gou Ruby into herself. #12. Make the Adventurers pay for giving the Queen the map. #17. Only use the numbers 3, 7, 12, 17, 21, and 25, and 30. #21. Make Spyrius pay for deleting Lord Business' computers. #25. Make Clutch Powers pay for wanting to inject himself with the Re-Gou Ruby. #30. Stop spamming.

Ogel is thrown into his office.

Pharaoh Hotep: Cool!

He jumps on Ogel's back and away they go!

Anubis Guard: Why don't Mummies and Flying Mummies appear more often?

Pharaoh Hotep sails past a group of them and bounces upstairs.

Mummy: There, we appeared. Are you happy, author?

Flying Mummy: How is he bouncing up the stairs?

End transmission.

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See the Fighter Rankings as of this battle.