Mallock the Malign vs. Captain Brickbeard vs. Dr. Inferno vs. K-2SO

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Yes! First NexoByte Round 3 battle in two years! RANDOM CELEBRATION NOISES!

Season 3, Round 3, Battle 1 (123rd battle overall)

Written by NexoByte on June 9, 2017

The Announcer Wyldstyle

The Referee TBD

The Predictor TBD

The Red Corner Mallock the Malign Round 3 is fit only for kings... and the best of evil wizards.

Rank 5; 3-0 Nominated by Commandosaur

The Green Corner Captain Brickbeard While piracy is illegal, piracy of a spot in Round 3 is always a yes.

Rank 6; 3-0 Nominated by Punctuation Penguin

The Yellow Corner Dr. Inferno THE DOCTOR IS IN! He will see a victory in Round 3 now.

Rank 15; 3-1 Nominated by Commandosaur

The Blue Corner K-2SO I have no idea how he got here, but he's not here to lose.

Rank 13; 3-0 Nominated by Punctuation Penguin

Before the Battle

Amset-Ra is heading down one of the halls en route to the arena. He meets K-2SO.

Amset-Ra: Long time no see. It's amazing you made it this far.

K-2SO: I am inclined to agree. The competition appears to be difficult.

Amset-Ra: You betcha.

The Priest of the Tee-Vee enters.

Priest of the Tee-Vee: K-2SO, may I see you in private?

K-2SO: Certainly.

They leave.

Amset-Ra: I wonder what that meeting will be about.

Pharaoh Hotep enters.

Amset-Ra: Who are you rooting tonight, Dad?

Pharaoh Hotep: I'm going with Dr. Inferno. He beat Alien Queen, who beat me. Isn't her name Hypocrite or something?

Amset-Ra: They pronounce it Hypo-something or whatever.

Pharaoh Hotep: Hypothermia, yes.

Amset-Ra: No, that's not quite right, either... Well, are you too surprised that K-2SO made it to Round 3?

Pharaoh Hotep: Yes. I'm more surprised about Captain Brickbeard, though. I thought his pegleg would get him in trouble.

Amset-Ra: Yeah, he had to use it as cannon fodder during a battle with the Insectoids.

Pharaoh Hotep: Which ones?

Amset-Ra: The original Insectoids, not the Selvans.

Pharaoh Hotep: Gotcha. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta do something random and evil.

He leaves.

Amset-Ra: This intro is mighty boring...

Oh no?

Frenzy: COOKING WITH A CRAZY CROOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wyldstyle: NO.

Amset-Ra: That didn't really happen!

Yes it did.

Amset-Ra: Nah, I don't think so. Anyway, it's battle time!

The Battle

Wyldstyle: Welcome to Amset-Ra's Rubik's Pyr-

Meca One: ERROR. LAWS OF PHYSICS DEFIED. TAKE BACK YOUR EARLIER STATEMENTS.

Wyldstyle: Uh... sure! In the Red Corner is the escaped convict from The Adventures of Clutch Powers, Mallock the Malign! Oh, and where are Omega and Squidman?

Mallock: Squidman works with Frenzy on his cooking show. Omega got a great-paying job as substitute Space Police commissioner.

Wyldstyle: Wow... in the Green Corner, Say ahoy to Captain Brickbeard!

Captain Brickbeard: Ahoy, meself! If ye be in a pickle, just fire yer pegleg and hope ye sprout a new one like I did!

Mallock: I'm not a pirate, and I know it doesn't work that way.

Wyldstyle: In the Yellow Corner, our own mad scientist, Dr. Inferno!

Dr. Inferno: A wizard, a pirate, and a rogue droid. Child's play for a guy with an IQ of 250 1/2.

Wyldstyle: How can you even get half an IQ point?

Dr. Inferno: My dog ate part of my IQ quiz, so I got half a question.

Wyldstyle: Ah. In the Blue Corner, the Rogue One droid from the new Star Wars movie, K-2SO!

K-2SO: Prepare to fall to the rebellion.

Mallock: You're rebelling against the Empire, right. 'Cause you sould like you're rebelling against us.

Dr. Inferno: Actually, he is. Actually, we're all rebelling against each other, every day we hold a match.

Amset-Ra: I never thought of it that way. Wait, who's our predictor?

Sir Fangar: Your glooooooooorious predictor shall be none other than thee glooooooorious Sir Fangar.

Amset-Ra: Here we go again...

Sir Fangar: Without further ingloooooorious ado, I shall begin my glooooooorious prediction. Mallock is quite capable of casting glooooooorious spells, Captain Brickbeard could build himself a glooooooorious cannon out of not-so-glooooooorious pirate ship wrecks, Dr. Inferno could blast through his opponents with a glooooooorious laser blast, and K-2SO is basically a joke. My gloooooorious nomination shall go to K-2SO.

Audience: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Sir Fangar: I was let in on a gloooooorious secret of his this morning.

Audience: TELL US! TELL US! TELL US!

Sir Fangar: No.

Amset: Let the rebellion begin!

GOOOOOOONG!

Amset-Ra: All right, who's the joker (or jester) who brought that thing back here?!

The Joker: Ooh, how in the world did you know?

Jestro: We just wanted to prank you.

Amset-Ra: Take that thing to the trash heap out back, and let the real rebellion begin.

???: Not so fast.

Wyldstyle: That voice... it sounds so familiar...

Amset-Ra: It came from K-2SO, but it's not his voice...

K-2SO starts to break apart. In his place is...

Drumroll, please...

Audience: YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! TEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-VEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

That's right. Tee-Vee is standing among the broken piece of K-2SO. On his screen is an angry Priest of the Tee-Vee.

Sir Fangar: So my glooooorious vote was worth something after all...

Dr. Inferno: All right, what do you want?

Priest of the Tee-Vee: Standing before you is the almighty, benevolent, creative, delightful, endeavoring, faithful, etc. Tee-Vee. You have caused his downfall. Now you will all pay.

Dr. Inferno: Everyone get Tee-Vee!

Brickbeard: Gladly, matey.

Priest of the Tee-Vee: What happened to "every minifigure for himself"?

Dr. Inferno: Not when sabotage and trickery are involved.

Priest of the Tee-Vee: Tee-Vee, show these inferiors your true might.

Tee-Vee: Initiating jetpack.

Fwooosh!

Tee-Vee: Initiating force field.

Vorp!

Mallock: Flight and force fields are mo match for my magic!

Priest of the Tee-Vee: Or so your twisted little mind believes.

Dr. Inferno: Where's the real K-2SO?

Priest of the Tee-Vee: I drugged him.

Dr. Inferno: Don't make me laugh! You can't merely drug a robot!

Priest of the Tee-Vee: That's droid, and I can and did.

Dr. Inferno: Construct!

Tee-Vee: Boot decreativity beam.

Amset-Ra: Now just a minute! You're supposed to be creative! Now I know you're a phony! CORONA!

The corona breaks through the force field and propels Tee-Vee out of the arena.

Amset-Ra: I swear that priest looked like Cyrus Borg...

Mallock: Now we can fight in peace! Magic force field!

Dr. Inferno: Construct!

Brickbeard: Summon!

Amset-Ra: Nope!

Brickbeard: Shiver me timbers...

Mallock: Valor boost!

Dr. Inferno: Crystal power!

Brickbeard: Mega cannon of awesome doom!

Mallock and Dr. Inferno stare at him.

Brickbeard: But it be a mega cannon of-

Dr. Inferno: Awesome doom, I know. But it still won't get you anywhere.

Brickbeard: But I used various hammerheads fer me ammo!

Dr. Inferno: Hammerheads?

Brickbeard: Sure! Dwalin's hammerhead, Amy Rose's hammerhead, Macy's macehead, Hammerhead Guardians, and a couple anvils to boot!

Dr. Inferno: And you call that ammo.

Brickbeard: Aye, matey!

Mallock: Such fools you've made yourselves... Magnetize!

Chink!

Dr. Inferno: I'm stuck!

Mallock: That's the point!

Brickbeard: I be late for me meeting with the senator!

Mallock: Too much political stuff these days.

Dr. Inferno: I'll get you to the senator's office, if I can only reach the blast button on my laser cannon...

Mallock: I reprogrammed it while you were saying all that.

Dr. Inferno: Oh... Well, I still have my mech!

CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK

Mallock: HEY! No creativity!

Dr. Inferno: You gotta be creative to remove creativity, you know.

Mallock: I should have known!

Dr. Inferno: But you didn't, and now it's too late.

Brickbeard: I be free! Fortunately yer spell be short-lived!

Mallock: But not this one.

BLAST!

Brickbeard: YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRI'llbeback!RRRRRGGGGgggggg-

Ding!

Wyldstyle: Just pretend I was announcing before this line even thought I wasn't. With a single powerful magic blast, Brickbeard was sent sailing out of the arena!

Mallock: Now... it's just you and me, Dr. Inferno. Wait, plan your strategy. I gotta make an important call.

He pulls out a holocommunicator and dials Omega.

Answering Machine: ♪Everything is awesome♪ Please wait. Your call is important to us. ♪Everything is cool♪

Mallock: I don't have time for this!

Dr. Inferno: You will, now that you're standing outside the ring.

Mallock: WHAT?!

Dr. Inferno: While you were busy, I just grabbed the ropes with my robot's arm (you know, the one that doesn't toast, grill, or flambe things) and positioned them so that you're outside them. Oh, I should probably let go.

TWANG!

Mallock: Nononononononono-

Crash!

Wyldstyle: I'm sorry, but you're not allowed in here. Have a nice day. Oh, and can I keep your hat?

She shoves him out of the announcer's booth and dons Mallock's hat, them pulls out a mirror.

Wyldstyle: Nice.

Dr. Inferno: YES! I'M GOING TO THE FINALS!

Amset-Ra: I gotta find out more about this Tee-Vee impostor.

After the Battle

A few Anubis Guards report to Amset-Ra in his office.

Anubis Guard: The Priest of the Tee-Vee says he didn't do it, and Cyrus Borg doesn't remember the event.

Amset-Ra: This could be interesting.

Anubis Guard: Oh, and Tee-Vee wasn't damaged in the least.

Amset-Ra: Then that must have been the real Tee-Vee. Looks like it's time for another megastory!

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See the Fighter Rankings as of this battle.