This battle needs to be optimized to meet the current standards.
This is the 36th battle of Season 2.
Welcome to the first edition of Commandosaur's Ultra-Educating Facts! First up, let me tell you, this is the 80th regulation battle! Another thing you should know? The last 36th battle was Morro vs. Snake vs. Grundalychus vs. Monster Crab, one of my personal favourites to write, which was also praised by BubbleBomber and Punctuation Penguin.
The Announcer: Wyldstyle
The Referee: Dr. Inferno
The Predictors: Pythor and Sir Fangar
Before the Battle Edit
In Amset-Ra's office...
Ogel: So I guess we won back the pyramid!
Sir Fangar: Well that is certainly a glooooorious accomplishment!
Nya: Don't stop now! We need to follow Streak and find the TARDIS!
Pythor: I think it would be a much better idea if we ssssssslept first.
The Great Devourer: Yessssss, sssssssleep is a very good idea.
???: No more sleeping, fools!
Pythor: Gah! Someone evil is here!
Sir Fangar: How do you know they're evil?
Pythor: Why else would their identity be hidden?
Ogel: Maybe it's Amset-Ra!
???: Why do I even try? You are absolutely useless!
Wyldstyle: Sam Sinister!
ProMatter: baron von barron!
Nya: Sim Sanister!
Dr. Inferno: Fellow evil mastermind villain!
Great Pharaoh Amuntakken: Ol' Sammy!
Sam Sinister: It has indeed been a long time, Great Pharaoh.
Ogel: Oh my gosh everyone look it's Sam Sinister!!!!!!!!!!
Nya: A little late...
Great Pharaoh Amuntakken: Well, we're glad to have you here, Sam. We need a plan of action.
Wyldstyle: Well, we need to get back on track with these battles.
Dr. Inferno: Right. We can't let the TARDIS win any more battles.
Nya: As long as we control this office, we control the battles.
Great Pharaoh Amuntakken: Right. Good job creating arbitrary logic that doesn't make any sense but now that it has been said must be true.
Wyldstyle: Alright, Nya, you take the Great Devourer, ProMatter, Pythor, Sir Fangar, Axel and the Grundalychus. Spread out and make sure that the Pyramid is safe. Almighty Tee-Vee, you go monitor the security system. Invizable, Fernie and I will start planning for the next battle.
Great Pharaoh Amuntakken: That leaves Sam and I to create a plan to save my son, grandson, and cousin.
Great Pharaoh Amuntakken: Well, I could've sworn that I'd told you the Doctor is my cousin.
Sam Sinister: Let's all stay on track. I believe that we are going to need more help in order to succeed in this crusade against the TARDIS.
Frenzy: Did you say HELP!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? I can HELP!!!!!!!! I even have friends who know how to help
themselves to another serving at the cafeteria!!!!!!!!
Sam Sinister: Shoot me.
Sam Sinister: Ouch! Who gave the maniac a gun?!
The Battle Edit
Wyldstyle: Welcome back to Amset-Ra's fighting pyramid, where we have decided to reinstate the use of advertisements. This time it's totally not because Lord Business has decided to take over the universe and is now charging taxes on everything.
Come buy a brand-new semi-used drum for only $15, plus the regular 500% taxation, at Invizable's Rock&Roll Rentals and Retails Restaurant!
Frenzy: I LOOOOOVE DRUMS!!!!!!!!!!!
Bang bang crash crash bang crash.
Invizable: That isn't even music!
Wyldstyle: Any way... Here are your fighters!
Wyldstyle: First, in the Red Corner (Brought to you by Octan) is where one can find Alpha Draconis, the guy that might work for TARDIS.
Alpha Draconis: No hard feelings about that. They just pay better.
Wyldstyle: Sure. In the Yellow Corner (Brought to you by Master Chen's Noodlehouse) is Geolix.
Geolix: GEO-GEO-LIX! GEOLIXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!
Wyldstyle: Nope, I don't speak that language. In the Green Corner (Brought to you by the Zaltin Corporation) is Mace Windu!
Mace Windu: I am back, in the name of the Jedi Order and the Republic!
Wyldstyle: So Mace, have you seen the new Star Wars movie?
Mace Windu: There's a new Star Wars movie?!?!!!!!
Mace Windu: But they haven't been filming me yet!
Wyldstyle: Poor you. Next... SharX in the Blue Corner (Which is brought to you by Borg Industries)!
SharX: Hello Friend. I Am SharX.
Wyldstyle: Why are you capitalizing all of your words?
SharX: Because Everything I Say Is Important.
Wyldstyle: I see. Now, SharX, you've gotten yourself a bit of a reputation around here.
SharX: Have I? I Was Unaware.
Wyldstyle: Yes. Back in Morro vs. Snake vs. Grundalychus vs. Monster Crab, you said "Meow".
SharX: Yes I Did.
Wyldstyle: Well, let's move along! Predictors?
Pythor: I predict that the winner will be he who is mosssssst Sssssssnake-Like.
Sir Fangar: I refuse to select a winner from these unglooooorious fighters. Really, you expect one of these four to win the battle?
Wyldstyle: Well it can't be anyone else.
Pythor: I'd like to change my sssssselection to Alpha Draconisssssss.
Dr. Inferno: What? You're supporting the enemy!
Pythor: No. I'm ssssssupporting my bank account with thesssssse bribessss that I've just recccccceived.
Sir Fangar: Why didn't I get any glooooorious bribes?
Wyldstyle: Well, they can bribe us all they want, I won't give in to the TARDIS and their evil ways!
Join the TARDIS today! You can be totally awesome, do insane stuff, and make over $7000 every undefined period of time!
Wyldstyle: Welcome back to the TARDIS Fighting Tournament!
Dr. Inferno: What!?!?!? You've turned against us too?!?
Wyldstyle: No, it's the TARDIS Fighting Tournament.
Dr. Inferno: What?
Wyldstyle: As in the Tournament that fights against the TARDIS.
Dr. Inferno: Oh.
Wyldstyle: What this means is that we've changed the way these battles will be working. Once we get to a final pair of fighters, the two of you must hunt down and defeat a member of the TARDIS. Whoever succeeds first is the winner. Understood?
Wyldstyle: Good. Now who's ready for some FIGHTING!
Invizable: Saturday Night's a Night for Fighting!
Dr. Inferno: Fight!
Jeff: CRYSTAL MINING TIME!!!!!!!!
Wyldstyle: Jeff has just uncovered some crystals beneath the fighting pyramid!
Commander Roberts: Jeff, come back to Mars! We've found more Crystals!
Jeff: CRYSTAL MINING TIME!
Wyldstyle: I don't need to speak Geolixian to know that he means "Yummy Yummy Crystals!!!!"
Chomp Chomp Chomp
Wyldstyle: The Audience sure doesn't need to hear me say it to know that Geolix just ate those crystals.
SharX: Prepare To Feel The Full Power Of The Sea, Windu!
SharX: Ah! A Wall Can't Stop Me!
Alpha Draconis: Gyahahahahaha! I knew that weakening the third wall was a good idea!
Wyldstyle: Mace Windu slammed SharX into a wall, but Alpha Draconis' meddling caused it to collapse on top of AntiMatter's aquatic minion!
Dr. Inferno: Commence heckling routine!
Fire-Arm: Ha! I bet you had to get the TARDIS to do that wall-weakening for you!
Claw-Dette: You couldn't weaken an immune system!
Saw Fist: Yeah! What they said!
Wyldstyle: Meanwhile, Geolix has finished eating his crystals.
Mace Windu: Be warned, for once you have crossed one Jedi, you have crossed them all!
SharX: Good Thing There's Only One Of Those Around Here!
Geolix: GEO LIX GEO GEO LIX!!!!!!!!!
SharX: Oops... Yikes!
Wyldstyle: Geolix was moving to attack Mace Windu, but SharX shot at him. Unfortunately for the golden-jawed shooter, he hit Geolix, who is now chasing him around the arena.
Alpha Draconis: Gyahahahaha! I have a wonderful plan!
Andy Droid: Query: Does your plan resemble the one you used while we were invading Ysalamir?
Alpha Draconis: Shh! You'll give it away!
Mace Windu: R8, find an Encyclopedia and look up which plan Draconis used back then!
Alpha Draconis: I can't allow that.
R8-B7: Beep boop beep!
Wyldstyle: After Alpha Draconis shot R8-B7, we decided it was time to go to a commercial break.
You can get a new Astromech Droid for only $10 at UFO Alien 138.9's Droid and Junk Shop!
Mace Windu: I won't be defeated that easily!
Geolix: Geo? Lix...
Wyldstyle: Geolix has constructed his own Lightsaber! It seems that Power Crystals are actually Kyber Crystals!
Sizzle Sizzle Clash Clash Sizzle!
Alpha Draconis: It takes three to tango!
SharX: ...And Four To Waltz!
Frenzy: Five to hoolaloop!
Zoopety Zap Zoop Zorp Zock!
Wyldstyle: In a rapid sequence of events (Brought to you by Benny's Spaceship Taxi Service Spaceship Company which, did I mention, involves spaceships?), Alpha Draconis, SharX and Frenzy decided to join the battle between Mace Windu and Geolix. I have no idea why they all have lightsabers, but let me guess: Alpha Draconis gathered some energy crystals while he was staying on Mars, SharX's saber is powered by a Pollutonium Crystal, and Frenzy stole the lightsabers from the Jedi Temple.
Alpha Draconis: Gyahahaha... Yeah, don't tell Queen Hypocrite.
SharX: Toxie Might Not Be Very Happy That I'm "Borrowing" Her Most Prized Possession.
Frenzy: WRONG!!!!!!! I stole these lightsabers from General Grievous!!!!!!!!
General Grievous: Whaaat!? Give me back my lightsabers! *CoughCoughCoughWheeze*
Lightsaber Battle Sounds! Except more dramatic!
Frenzy: AHHHHH! He's too GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wyldstyle: General Grievous has now chased Frenzy out of the arena, which decreases our arm population by eight. Which is the same number of arms as our fighters have!
Mace Windu: Thankfully, I am the only one who has trained in the ways of the Jedi!
Wyldstyle: And Geolix is the only one who's a ROCK MONSTER. Bye bye, Mace Windu!
Dr. Inferno: Mace Windu is Eliminated! This elimination was brought to you by Squidman's Pitstop, come get a free Car Wash,
but don't expect to get your Car back at the end!
SharX: I'm at a loss for what to do next.
Alpha Draconis: Hmm... I know!
Wyldstyle: Alpha Draconis' UFO Armada has arrived!
Alpha Draconis: Gyahahahaha!
Dr. Inferno: Geolix is eliminated!
Wyldstyle: Immediately after his fleet shot Geolix, Alpha Draconis shot himself...
Dr. Inferno: Alpha Draconis is defeated, which means that Alpha Draconis is our winner!
Wyldstyle: I think we need a scientist to explain this for the people who don't understand.
Professor Christina Hydron: Hello lesser human beings! Today we will be discussing the victory of Alpha Draconis. Before we do this we need to establish who Alpha Draconis is. Therefore, let's go back to the very beginning, back when a giant Fish ruled the universe with the assistance of a wooden duck. Anyways, skip forward a few hundred millennia and we can arrive at the part where Alpha Draconis is born. Today, Alpha Draconis is the feared and fearful leader of the UFO Armada, the winner of the 35th battle of Season 2, the loser of the 28th battle of Season 1, a competitor in the 36th battle of Season 2, a member of the TARDIS, and an advanced intellectual. Next, let us remind the audience of the rule change that occurred earlier in the battle. It was decided that the final two fighters would need to defeat a member of the TARDIS in order to be victorious. Now, since Alpha Draconis is himself a member of the TARDIS, the obvious route to victory lay in his own defeat. Therefore, immediately after two fighters had been eliminated and two remained, he shot himself, thereby making himself the victor.
Pythor: I wassssss right!
Sir Fangar: Oh no! The gloooorious Alpha Draconis has won, which means that the not-so-glooooorious TARDIS has defeated us again!
Alpha Draconis: Oh well, better luck next time! I'm going to head back to the secret TARDIS lair now.
Dr. Inferno: Okay, bye!
Alpha Draconis leaves.
Dr. Inferno: You three need to get better at heckling.
After the Battle Edit
At the TARDIS...
Commander Flash: Where are my battle results?
Rose: Try hitting refresh.
Commander Flash refreshes the page on his shadowy TARDIS computer.
Commander Flash: Oh look! Wonderful! Alpha Draconis has been victorious again!
Rose: Wow, he beat some tough opposition.
Terabyte: What's that about apple scissors?
Rose: I said opposition.
Terabyte: I don't know, but you might want to cut it out.
Terabyte: Get it? Scissors? Cutting?
Commander Flash: Shoot me.
Meanwhile, in the Pyramid's Infirmary...
Sam Sinister: I guess this has taught me to be careful what I ask for.
Great Pharaoh Amuntakken: I dare say that's not a bad thing.
Sam Sinister: So, what news has come of the TARDIS?
Great Pharaoh Amuntakken: Unfortunately, not very much.
Sam Sinister: Very well. Could you go find me a lunch of some sort? My leg still hurts from Frenzy's shooting spree.
Great Pharaoh Amuntakken: Certainly! I hear there's a new special in the cafeteria. "Galaxy Squad Squid" or something.
Great Pharaoh Amuntakken walks off. Sam Sinister picks up a phone and dials a mysterious number.
Sam Sinister: Hello?
???: Who is this?
Sam Sinister: If I were to go through all of my names, then you'd find yourself a crumbling skeleton.
???: Okay. What are you calling about?
Sam Sinister: I believe you'll want to hear the offer I can give you. But first, send $1000 to my personal bank account.
???: Are you sure you have the right number?
Sam Sinister: Fairly certain. Why do you ask?
???: Because I don't have $1000.
Sam Sinister: Everyone has $1000.
???: I'm not everyone.
Sam Sinister: Now I'm very confused.
???: Myself as well.
Sam Sinister: Okay, call me back once you have $1000.
???: Will do.
BEEP. CALL TERMINATED.
In Amset-Ra's Office...
Tee-Vee: Anomaly detected. Extensive coded phone call identified. Decoding phone call...
Tee-Vee: Error... Elimination imminent...
And with that, the sacred deity was slain. Why did this event transpire so? Who knows. Perhaps someone wished to eliminate their competition for the Season's Championship. Perhaps someone was worried that this technological deity had discovered too much. Perhaps someone was disillusioned with the food that was served in the cafeteria. I hear that the Galaxy Squad Squid turned out to be normal squid with little bits of moon dust. I'd be pretty angry if I had paid $40 for that. However, the reasons behind this wonderful being's death are unknown. One more mystery for the pyramid staff to solve. One more qualm for the judges to deliberate upon. One more event in Amset-Ra's Pyramid.
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